When Enough Could Be Enough

Dr. Michelle Choi, Wellness

Endings are painful. But maybe enough is enough.

I’ve been wondering recently if there are certain relationships that cannot be broken. And although my rational mind tells me all relationships can come to an end if you choose, my emotional guilty mind makes me wonder if I’m being too harsh. This week- I posted r.h. Sin’s profound short poem, “It’s okay to forgive people, and still deny them access to you.” The effect of this poem has lingered on me for several days, as I continue to think about my own life. When you feel like a hypocrite and still let yourself get hurt, when you feel hopeful then sad again, when you feel strong and then weak again. But maybe the truth about growing is that you feel two very contrasting emotions, until the right emotion eventually helps you to decide.

For 10 years, I’ve left the door open for my mother. Even though I learned about boundaries, and I realized who and what she is, I’ve left the door open for her. In case she realized that she could be and get better, in case she one day learned to act like a loving human, in case she realized one day that I’ve loved her all along. But as I started to think about my situation, about her and me, I’ve realized thru the pain – I grew. For instance, I’ve gained a huge appreciation of self help books, and I’m on this path. But the person who has remained exactly the same, is her. Every time she comes close to “the door,” it’s to wield a knife. To hurt me until I feel her pain, until she feels some temporary “release of it.” It’s always the same pattern. There is a lurking, there’s a short period when she can control herself, but I am always belittled in some way by her, then there’s some hurt to her ego, then the eruption and huge disruption until she feels her release. Quite frankly- I’m 43 years old, and I am still scared of her! Going into her house makes me more susceptible to this, then why am I thinking of going into her home? Why am I still an idiot? Am I still fantasizing about what my family could have been?

I wonder now if that’s it- If I can shut my door. I think about what Josie Teresi said- “there is a grief period when you release someone from your highest good.” We are sad when we say our goodbyes, but we can say our goodbyes.

Michelle Choi MD